


A Lesson In Vampirism

by FrozenHearts



Series: Magnus Bane's Magical Menagerie Of Menaces & Friends [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV), Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alice sees shit, Emmett and Jace have an arm-wrestling match, F/M, Gen, It's freaking weird, Lessons in being a vampire, M/M, Magnus just wanted to have lunch with his boyfriend, Raphael and the Cullens are old friends, Raphael just had to bring all the vampires to his loft, Simon needs to learn to be a proper vampire, Somewhat applies to the AU episode of Shadowhunters, Useless Vampires, Vampires, it doesn't end well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 05:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6411478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrozenHearts/pseuds/FrozenHearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having just turned into a new vampire, Simon needs help in learning how to be a proper vampire. Raphael drags him to Magnus's loft (along with the rest of the crew), and invites the Cullens, a family from eh Olympia Coven that surely knew what they were doing.</p>
<p>Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lesson In Vampirism

**Author's Note:**

> So this series started at the suggestion of fellow A03 user NightChickenFriend and i had originally planned on adding Twilight to the first one-shot (I went with Hellboy instead, so you can read that one first, although there really isn't a correlation, so there's no confusion if you don't read one before the other, and yeah.)
> 
> I just really wanted to explore the differences betwen Twilight vampires and Mortal Instrument/Shadowhunters vampires.

One minute, Magnus was having a lovely lunch with his lovely boyfriend, and the next, Raphael was storming his loft with Simon and the Shadowhunters in tow, firing off insults in rapid-fire Spanish as Simon was steered to sit on the couch between Alec and Magnus. Jace, Clary, and Isabelle merely stood in front of the coffee table, Jace looking mildly annoyed.

"Normally, I don't mind visits," Magnus drawled as he crossed his arms over his chest, "but you've just managed to interrupt was possible a sexy moment for me and my boyfriend, thank you very much." Clary and isabelle laughed as Jace groaned, running a hand through his blond hair. Raphael was still muttering under his breath, having now started pacing back and forth. Magnus raised an eyebrow at the vampire- Raphael was normally calm and collected. He knew that whenever there was a new vampire in the coven, Raphael would do his best to teach them from afar, in fear of angering that dastardly bitch Camille.

"I do not need to know about your sex life with my brother, Bane," Jace bemoaned and Alec flushed red as Magnus raised an eyebrow. Well. That wasn't new. jace didn't like hearing about anything unless it involved the words "killing," "demons," and "Clary." Raphael- Jesus Christ, he really needed to stop speaking in Spanish, for crying out loud, no one else understood him- was now standing still, knuckle to his mouth as he murmured into his fist.

"Raphael?" Magnus tried again, and the vampire looked up. His face was red with anger, fangs bared as he growled with frustration. A gold chain hang from his neck, the cross on the end dangling between his fingers. He jabbed a finger at Simon, who looked ready to melt into the hot pink couch. Or Alec, judging by how he was gripping the Sahdowhunter's arm. Magnus rolled his eyes, "Raphael."

" _Este idiota no pueda hacer nada bien !_ " Raphael yelled.

Shit. Magnus didn't know Spanish. With all the years under his belt, he never really bothered to stay in any Soanish countries long enough to learn the language properly; not after the Peru incident. He allowed himself to shiver at the thought as Raphael went on, " _Arruino mi nueva chaqueta de nuevo!_ "

Alec pushed himself up off the couch, "I guess I'll make coffee."

"Darling, I could just magic it here you know."

Alec gave him a pointed look, "Last time that happened, we ended up somewhere in Alaska in a log cabin." Magnus smiled. That had been a great night. One that, if he told everyone about, would have Alec blushing and Jace screaming for him to stop. Honestly, he was tempted to do it right there. Why not brag about his Shadowhunter boyfriend in the middle of a cold climate?

"Alaska?" Isabelle asked, "What's there that you ended up going?"

"Trust me, you don't wanna know," was Alec's reply as he disappeared into the kitchen, a minute later popping his head in, "Two sugars, Iz?" Isabelle nodded, adn Alec disappeared again. A few seconds later, they could hear the whirring of the coffee pot and Alec muttering, "Ow! By the Angel, Chairman!"

"I see your pets are getting along," Raphael snorted, and Jace shot him a look.

"Better then you and yours, I see," Magnus said smugly, "What did the Daylighter do now. hmm?" Simon fidgeted on the couch, fists resting on his knees as he hunched his shoulders. He looked like a puppy who had just been scolded for chewing up a pillow. Hesitantly, Magnus reached over him and grabbed the blue throw pillow on Simon's left. It was his favorite one, being the same shade of blue as Alec's eyes and sprinkled with green glitter. A must-have for Spring, it'd be a shame if it was ruined. Isabelle replaced Alec on the couch, leaning her head on Simon's shoulder.

"So, are we gonna elaborate on the whole Alaska fiasco?" Isabelle asked, her gaze flitting to Magnus. Magnus opened his mouth to answer when a loud bang from the kitchen sounded, and Alec stormed out muttering a string of curses that would put his father to shame. And his father was Lucifer, one and only ruler of Hell. His lack hair was damp, and his shirt stuck to his skin deliciously, showing off toned abs and pert nipples under the wet fabric.

Magnus really wished Raphael hadn't come over now.

"Magnus," Alec said pointedly, "you did not tell me about the coffee pot."

Magnus wrinkled his nose, "What about it?"

Alec lifted up a small, worm-like creature. It was white in color, with black spindles poking from it's mouth. Without eyes, it looked pretty pathetic as it struggled between Alec's strong fingers. Pursing his lips, Alec went on, "I found this demon inside the pot. It threw up on me. Get rid of it."

Jace chuckled as Alec set the thing down on the table, which Isabelle and Simon recoiled from as it dragged itself around. Alec was in the middle of shrugging off his shirt when Jace said, "Now is not the time for a striptease, Alec! Raphael has a serious problem!"

Right. Raphael. The vampire was staring at the Drevak demon as it moved, transfixed. The gold cross on his neck glittered under the light in the loft. Magnus cleared his throat, "Right. Raphael? Your problem?" It took him a minute to talk, fixing the lapels on his black suit. Magnus assumed it was new, with orange and yellow flames decorating the arms and hem.

"Simon is a shit vampire," Raphael said bluntly. Simon feigned horror, clutching a hand to his chest dramatically.

"And here I thought we were actually getting along!" Simon retorted.

"You got _pig's blood_ in my jacket!" Raphael shouted, jumping atop the coffee table to jeer at him. Isabelle tightened her grip on his shoulder as they leaned back on the couch, and there was a sickening plop as Raphael placed a black leather loafer on the glass table. White and black good splattered the surface under Raphael's shoe, and for a good minute, there was total silence, followed by the wet squelch of Alec's shirt as he dropped it on the floor.

"By the Angel, I _just_ cleaned that!" Alec whined, gesturing to the table with a flourish, "Nothing ever _stays clean_ around here, I _swear_ -"

"Well, you certainly don't," Magnus mumbled with a grin.

Jace was turning green, "Clary, make it stop. Please." Clary rubbed his back, shrugging as she replied, "It's Magnus, Jace. You know he doesn't have a filter."

While Magnus would have loved to continue bantering, Raphael was here for a reason, "Raphael, let's just get to the point. Why are you here?"

"Like I said, Simon is a shit vampire. We need to teach him how to be a proper one." Simon shook his head, jabbing a finger at the other vampire.

"If I'm a shit vampire, then that makes you a shit coven leader!" Simon shouted, "Ha!" Magnus rubbed his temples as Raphael launched into a tirade of Spanish, none of it sounding at all pleasant as his fangs came unsheathed, threateningly white against his dark red lips. Not to mention that Alec wasn't currently wearing a shirt, so that was bound to distract him from the issue at hand. Heaving a sigh, Magnus snapped his fingers, blue sparks erupting from his nails.

"Enough!" Magnus ordered, "You're all giving me a headache, and I could be having a very nice afternoon with my boyfriend instead of doing couples counseling." Raphael and Simon looked sheepish as he went on, "Now, you said he was a shit vampire. I am not a vampire, so this isn't my area."

Raphael sighed as he said, "I know that, Bane. I just came to ask you if you had your address book."

Magnus blew a raspberry. Was he serious? "And it takes a group of Nephilim to come ask for it? Who's address?"

"The Cullen family," Raphael said. "Although if I remember correctly, Alice already knows and is on her way here."

As soon as the words left Raphael's mouth, the doorbell rang, and a very red-faced, shirtless and flustered Alec stomped out of the kitchen and through the living, the door banging as he almost ripped it open. Magnus chuckled as Alec merely turned around, arms crossed over his chest as he made a poor attempt to cover himself, giving him a quick kiss as he said, "I'll be in the bedroom. Shout if you need me." Magnus watched him go, raising an eyebrow at Jace and Clary, who merely laughed.

"Dude, I saw you checking out my brother," Jace commented. Magnus shrugged, saying, "Would you rather I checked _you_ out? I mean, I could give Clary a run for her money when it comes to staring at my significant other-"

"Mags!" a pretty cry came from the door, and a small, pixie-like girl bounded into the living room, throwing her arms around Magnus's neck. She had to stand on her toes to give him a proper hug, and her nose only reached his chest. Magnus returned the sentiment, her hair tickling his chin. He could feel the Shadowhunters staring awkwardly as they broke apart, the girl punching his arm playfully- although, it felt as if he just got hit by a freight train, it was so hard.

"Alice, darling!" Magnus cringed, "How lovely to see you!"

Alice nodded, "I brought the family with me, I figured your Raphael and his Simon could use all the help they could get." As if on cue, a group huddled into the room behind her, all of them tall, and all of them brooding. That seemed to be a thing with vampires, and Raphael's case was especially bad. He was angry all the time, and his black eyes glittered dangerously to back up the attitude.

Alice's family (for that was the only thing that came to mind) stood in the door frame, and Magnus smiled politely as he counted heads- including Alice, there were three boys and three girls. All of them seemed to be an item, with each one paired off and hanging one one another as only couples would. Add in the insane beauty, and Magnus was ready to retreat to the bedroom.

"Alexander!" Magnus called, never taking his eyes off the group, "We need more coffee, darling!"

\--------

Clary had never seen any vampires besides Raphael and his coven. Sure, she had a general idea of what vampires were and how they looked; being creatures of the night, they couldn't stay out in daylight for risk of burning. They were impossibly fast and super-strong. Oh, and they drank blood. Really, it was just like Bram Stoker's _Dracula_. Easy to remember, right?

Wrong. These vampires, the Cullens, seemed to apply to those rules and more. Alice, the short one who had come in first, seemed to already know about the issue at hand, what with being able to _see the fucking future_. The one she later introduced as her boyfriend, Jasper Hale, was sitting on the ottoman across from the couch. His back was rigid, and his blond hair was shaggy, falling in his eyes whenever he moved his head a certain way. She wasn't entirely sure what Jasper could do, but for the time they sat with each other, Clary felt calmer, in control. She felt good. His sister Rosalie looked positively regal as she lounged in one of Magnus's lavish armchairs, with beautiful alabaster skin and long blonde hair. Her golden eyes were steely as she surveyed the room, eyeing how Isabelle's gaze was trained on her shoes- a pair of heels boots that reached her knees, black leather with a thin stiletto heel and a purple-capped pointed toe.

"Ah! Geez, man, watch it with the force!" Jace exclaimed. He had challenged Rosalie's husband Emmett to an arm-wrestling match, which hadn't been going well from the minute he suggested it. Clary was pretty sure stamina runes were not made to withstand a vampire's strength. Emmet was like Jace, though. He was brash and over-confident, sporting a smug grin and a brown buzz-cut.

"Vampire, remember?" Emmett teased as Jace flicked his hair out of his eyes, "Besides, having super-strength is my talent as a vampire. Can't really help it."

"You mean like how Alice can 'see' the future?" Isabelle chimed in, leaning forward with interest. Her black hair fell forward, obscuring the runes drawn on her neck.

Rosalie scoffed, "As if it matters to you Nephilim."

"No fighting, please," the third woman- Bella, Clary remembered Alice introducing her- called from the corner of the room, "lest you want Jasper to use his powers again. And I personally don't want Emmett to fall asleep again while driving."

Clary shot Jasper a curious glance. The vampire merely shrugged, and as he blinked, she noticed that unlike his family's golden eyes, his were tinged with a deep scarlet. But she didn't know vampires could sleep- was it even possible? Jasper laughed softly, eyeing the door to Magnus's bedroom. Alice had taken Simon and Raphael with her in there, much to Alec's protest, but he hadn't come out, choosing to stay and supervise with Magnus whatever it was Alice and Raphael were doing.

"You know, we could be doing much better things than waiting for a newborn to learn how to drink blood properly," Rosalie complained, "I mean, I'm supposed to be on my tenth honeymoon right now!"

"And we're having a baby, but you don't see us complaining," the male next to Bella shot back. Clary remembered his name started with an 'e.' Was it Edgar? No, that sounded too old-fashioned. Bella placed a hand on his arm, her other on her bulging midsection. Apparently, Shadowhunters had to update their records because nowhere did it say that vampires were able to get pregnant and have kids. Simon would have drilled a fact such as this into her, being the vampire expert.

Clary jumped as they heard a bang, followed by Alec's horrified cry of " _Alice!_ "

"Are they training Simon or are they playing dress-up?" Isabelle joked, and Rosalie cracked a smile. Emmett and Jace were on another round of arm-wrestling, which he promptly lost. Edward snorted, earning a look from Bella.

"Be patient," he advised, "Alice knows what she's doing."

"Uh-huh," Emmett said as he and Jace let go of each others hands, "Alice probably just got distracted by all the glitter Mags has in this place. And the clothes." Clary smiled. Magnus's eccentric taste was rather unique, and Alice had looked beautiful when she walked in, wearing a pretty summer dress in a pale blue color, with birds decorating the hem and collar. The leggins she wore had been sprinkled with sequins, and she topped off the look with a pair of flats. Alice was quite fashionable,a nd Clary had no doubt this would take a while.

\-------

It turned out that Alice hadn't done anything to help Simon as a vampire, much to Raphael's dismay. Apparently, as Clary had learned later, after the Cullens had left, that the covens were different. They had a different set of rules. Where Raphael and his coven fit all the major Hollywood stereotypes of a vampire, the Cullens threw it all away. For starters, their fangs were not as sharp as Simon's or Raphael's. They looked like normal human teeth until they met the skin of their victim. And while they were all extremely beutiful, they brought traits from their past lives with them when they turned.

"So that's why Alice can see stuff?" Isabelle asked, "And why Rosalie seems to be the prettiest out of all of them?"

Magnus was sitting on the couch, leaning his head on Alec's shoulder. Aec looked slightly miffed, although he didn't move from his spot. He was still shirtless, his torso covered in a magnitude of pinks and blues and greens and golds. They shimmered each time Alec fidgeted, and Jace nearly choked as he tried holding in a snort. Magnus simply nodded, saying, "It isn't just them, y' know. Edward and Bella, Emmett and Jasper.... all of them have special abilities."

"Makes your coven sound like a shit hole, huh, Raphael?" Simon joked. Raphael rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as he glowered at the newborn vampire.

"You're still a shit vampire, Lewis," he said.

"Well, what can the others do?" Clary asked.

Alec cleared his throat, humming in annoyance as he cut Magnus off, "Make a mess of you and your boyfriend's bedroom."

"Darling, just because Alice found the glitter-" Magnus started.

"Magnus. First the Drevak demon vomiting on me, Raphael smashing it on the clean table and now Alice dumping me in a vat of glitter. You owe me."

Isabelle had a shit-eating grin on as Magnus kissed his temple before turning to Clary. She was sure Alice hadn't meant any harm by it, just a bit of fun. And Alec sometimes really needed to lighten up. It was probably a Nephilim thing.

"To answer your question, buscuit," Magnus rearranged his legs so they ran across Alec's lap, "Emmett has enhanced strength, like the vampires in the mundie movies. Edward can read minds- kind of annoying, but useful if you want information- and Bella, the pregnant one, she can create force-fields. Shields, basically."

Clary nodded. That was all fine and good, if not a tad disturbing, but she felt like someone was missing. She knew Alice had come with someone- one of the men, to be precise. Isabelle spoke for her, "What about Jasper?"

"Jasper's gift is.... hard to explain," Magnus trailed. He let his fingers walk across Alec's bicep, rings glittering with each movement.

"Bella mentioned something about him making her fall asleep," Isabelle said.

Raphael scoffed, "Impossible. Vampires don't sleep."

"Our world's vampires don't," Simon pointed out, "the Cullens seem to have not gotten the memo."

Raphael bared his fangs and Simon yelped, almost lunging towards his girlfriend.

"To make it simple," Magnus coughed, "Jasper can control emotions. Take Raphael for example- he's extremely tense right now. Jasper can sense emotions and he absorbs them. In turn, he sends out a wave of, well, whatever, and calms people down. makes them happy, sleepy- whatever he thinks is best for that person." Clary pursed her lips. That sounded pretty useful. She'd have to contact them and ask Jasper to do something on Jace. He was always tense, and even when he wasn't he was flighty.

"That sounds so _cool_!" Simon was already geeking out, "I mean, how come _our_ vampires don't have powers- Raphael-"

"I don't make the rules, Simon," Raphael moaned, "and even if I did, you'd still be a shit vampire."

"Fuck you, man."

"Alexander, weren't we supposed to be doing that before everyone barged in here?"

" _MAGNUS_!"


End file.
